


you fill my head with you

by I_have_more_ships_than_friends



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Maddie Buckley is a Good Sister, Sibling Bonding, The love is requited they're just stupid, coffee triggers a full emotional breakdown, i channeled all of my dumb gay energy into this please enjoy it, that should be the title of my autobiography, who knows when this is set
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:55:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29457840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_have_more_ships_than_friends/pseuds/I_have_more_ships_than_friends
Summary: The smell of the coffee hits Buck’s nose and he’s all of a sudden overcome with emotion, so powerful he feels like he can’t breathe, and he’s drowning, searching desperately for the words to express what’s suddenly choking him. And with the scent of Eddie still on his blankets, the pillow that Eddie had thrown at his face now laying on his chest where it had fallen, the coffee that Eddie had made for him without a second thought steaming a foot away from him, everything around him Eddie’s but still this strange overwhelming sense of belonging, unlike anything he’s ever felt before, and then it hits him.aka Buck realizes he's in love with Eddie and freaks out about it a lot and Maddie is a good sister
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 5
Kudos: 234





	you fill my head with you

**Author's Note:**

> How many feelings realization + first kiss Buddie fics can I write??? At least three apparently and I got like six more in the works so enjoy this self indulgent fluff

Buck feels like the realization should have come with a bit of fanfare. Should have been after one of the many times one of them had almost died, accompanied by dramatically swelling music and an angelic chorus. But in reality, it’s just an ordinary morning, one no different from any other one they’d shared over the course of their friendship.

Last night, Buck had come over to Eddie’s house to hang out with him and Christopher, and they’d stayed up way too late playing video games and eating way too much popcorn. After Christopher had finally crashed, Buck had said that he should probably get home, but Eddie told him that it was way too late to be driving and they had a shift together the next day anyways so he should just sleep on the couch.

Buck has slept on Eddie’s couch probably more than anyone, because he has a tendency to lose track of time when he’s hanging out with his best friend and his favorite kid in the world, and Eddie has no problem with sacrificing his couch to spare him the drive back to his apartment.

That’s normal. Falling asleep with Eddie’s blankets pulled up to his chin, the fabric smelling faintly of the aftershave Eddie wears, all completely, 100% normal. He has an easy, dreamless sleep, only stirring awake at the sounds of Eddie and Christopher in the kitchen having breakfast.

He’s still only half awake when he hears Eddie come into the room, and he barely has time to register his presence before a pillow is hitting him in the face, not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to wake him the rest of the way up. He sits up, spluttering in protest, only to see Eddie setting a cup of coffee down on the table in front of the couch, his hair messy and his clothes wrinkled. All Eddie says is “morning, Buck,” his voice rough like it always is when he first wakes up, and then he’s going back into the kitchen.

The smell of the coffee hits Buck’s nose and he’s all of a sudden overcome with emotion, so powerful he feels like he can’t breathe, and he’s drowning, searching desperately for the words to express what’s suddenly choking him. And with the scent of Eddie still on his blankets, the pillow that Eddie had thrown at his face now laying on his chest where it had fallen, the coffee that Eddie had made for him without a second thought steaming a foot away from him, everything around him _Eddie’s_ but still this strange overwhelming sense of _belonging_ , unlike anything he’s ever felt before, and then it hits him.

Oh. _Oh_. He’s in love with Eddie.

Fuck.

* * *

He’d like to say he handles the realization well. Unfortunately, he does not. At all.

As soon as he thinks the words to himself, he’s overcome with blind panic and can’t bring himself to look Eddie in the eye, much less eat breakfast with him, so instead he pulls his shoes on as fast as he can, grabs his things, and runs out the door, yelling some excuse behind him about Maddie needing his help with something. He doesn’t wait to hear a response before he’s slamming the door shut behind him and climbing into his Jeep, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes to try to focus his thoughts. The only coherent thought he can string together is _‘oh god, oh god, oh god’_ which isn’t very helpful, so he puts the Jeep into drive and peels out of the driveway as fast as he can. He keeps his eyes trained on the road ahead of him, not seeing Eddie standing in the doorway of the house, a hurt and confused look on his face and the cup of coffee Buck had abandoned clutched in his hand like a lifeline.

* * *

He actually does end up going to Maddie’s apartment, because she’s the person he’s closest to other than Eddie, who he can’t talk to about this for obvious reasons. He silently prays the entire drive that Chimney isn’t there, because if Chimney knows something, then everyone else knows it within the day.

He knocks on her door, hoping she’s already awake because a pregnant Maddie in the mornings before her coffee is scarier than running into a burning building. He's had plenty of experience with both, and he’d take the burning building any day. Thankfully, when she opens the door she just looks confused instead of pissed off, so he should be safe for now.

“Buck? What are you doing here?” Her confusion instantly turns to concern. “Did something happen? Are you okay?”

“No, no, nothing happened, Maddie, I’m fine, I just—can I come in?” he says, stumbling over his words. She nods warily, stepping back to allow him to enter.

He immediately goes over to the couch, grabbing one of the throw pillows and hugging it to his chest to try to ground himself. He can hear Maddie in the kitchen, probably making coffee, and the thought of coffee makes him think of Eddie which makes him think of—

“Do you want anything to drink?” Maddie calls out from the other room.

“No, I’m good,” he calls back, afraid the smell of coffee would send him into another panic.

“I thought you slept over at Eddie’s last night,” she says as she enters the room, one hand holding a steaming mug and the other resting protectively on her belly.

“I did,” he says hesitantly, scared to just say the words that have been running through his mind all morning. Her brows furrow in concern as she gingerly sits down on the chair opposite him.

“Did something happen with him?” He lets out a little helpless laugh, and looks away, unable to meet her eyes, sure she’d be able to instantly see straight into his brain and tell exactly what he was thinking.

“You could say that.” She looks even more confused at that, but he can see her shifting into protective big sister mode, ready to go beat up Eddie Diaz with her bare hands, even if he was both a former soldier and a firefighter and she was both heavily pregnant and a full foot shorter than him.

“Buck, you know you can always talk to me, no matter what. If he did something to you, or said something to you, I can—”

“I’m in love with Eddie!” he blurts out, probably louder than he should, and instantly buries his face in the pillow as if he can somehow hide from the now all-too-real nature of his feelings. After a few long seconds of silence, he slowly lifts his head and sees Maddie...laughing? “What—what’s so funny?” he asks, bewildered by her reaction. At the sight of his expression, she starts laughing even harder. “Maddie, stop laughing!”

She finally manages to stop and catch her breath, trying and failing to hide her smile. Did she not hear him right? Or is he just not in on some grand joke that somehow makes him being hopelessly in love with his best friend the funniest thing his sister has ever heard?

“Maddie, did you not hear me? I said I’m in love with Eddie,” he repeats, thinking maybe she missed it or misheard him.

“Oh no, I heard you,” she says, starting to laugh again, only confusing him further. “So, you’re in love with Eddie?”

“Yeah,” he says slowly, unsure of where this is going.

“Well,” Maddie says, leaning back in her chair. “Congratulations. You are officially the last person to know.” Wait...what?

“What—what do you mean the last to know?” he sputters, suddenly feeling like his entire world has been knocked off its axis. “Wait, you mean you _knew?_ ”

Maddie rolls her eyes in response. “Buck, of course I knew. You’re not exactly subtle.” His head feels like it’s spinning, trying to process the words coming out of his sister’s mouth.

“But— _I_ didn’t even know until this morning,” he protests weakly.

“Yeah, well, everyone else has known for a lot longer than that.” She raises her cup of coffee to her lips, taking a sip and looking at him over the rim of the mug like this is a normal thing to drop on someone after they confess that they just realized something huge and life-altering about themselves that they had realized less than an hour before.

As her words run through his brain, he’s suddenly gripped with panic. “Wait, _everyone_?” he demands. She merely nods in response. “Does _Eddie_ know?”

She scoffs. “Oh, hell no. He’s the only person who’s more oblivious than you, and that’s saying something.” He breathes out a sigh of relief at the small comfort that at least Eddie hasn’t noticed whatever it is he’s been doing that’s somehow broadcast his feelings to everyone around him. “But basically everyone else. Chimney, Bobby, Athena, Hen—I actually think Hen has had a pool going about when you two were finally going to get your shit together.” He just stares at her in disbelief. “Chimney won’t be happy, if you had waited two more weeks he would have won.”

“You were—you were _betting_ on me?” he asks incredulously. She nods cheerfully and takes another sip of coffee, not looking the least bit repentant. He kind of can’t believe this. Well, actually he totally can, because he knows his friends, but he still didn’t ever think he would be the subject of one of Hen’s famous betting pools. “Well, what—what do I do? I mean, I can’t tell him.” The words seem to rush out of him, and his mind instantly constructs all of the worst case scenarios if he tells Eddie how he feels.

“Why not?” Maddie asks softly, all traces of laughter gone from her voice, clearly having shifted into supportive older sister mode.

He just shakes his head, going back to hugging the pillow to his chest as he tries to clear the images running through his head of what he’s sure Eddie’s face would look like if he ever told him: disgust, anger, hatred, or, even worse, pity. Eddie couldn’t ever love Buck, not the way Buck loved him. The best he could hope for is to just do his best to get over these feelings and try to get back to something resembling a normal friendship with Eddie.

Maddie looks concerned at his expression and comes to sit next to him on the couch, placing a gentle comforting hand on his arm.

“Buck, you have to know he feels the same way, right?” He snaps his head up to look at her, trying to gauge if this is another joke or just some misguided attempt to make him feel better.

“No, he doesn’t. He couldn’t.” She raises a disbelieving eyebrow at him. “There’s no way,” he insists, shaking his head vehemently to emphasize his words. Her face softens, and he can see in her eyes the look that she sometimes gets talking about calls she had taken at work, like all she wants to do is just be able to magically fix someone, to shake them and make them see the truth. He’s not used to it being directed at him.

“Buck,” she says gently, so gently it makes him want to just curl into her arms and cry. “I promise you. _He loves you_.” He feels tears welling up in his eyes and he blinks furiously, determined not to cry in front of his pregnant sister, who would probably also start crying out of sympathy, and then they would just both be useless messes. “You have to tell him. It’ll be okay.”

“But what if it’s not?” he asks, his voice breaking on the last word. “What if I lose him?” He can’t bring himself to speak louder than a whisper.

“You won’t,” she says confidently, so confidently that he feels a glimmer of hope somewhere deep in his chest. She holds out her arms for a hug and he obliges, burying his face in her shoulder to hide the tears running down his face. She rubs her hand up and down his back in a soothing gesture, the same way she had when they were kids and he had been too scared to go to his parents for comfort and had run to Maddie instead, who was always there. He stays in her arms for several minutes, the storm in his mind gradually quieting at the soothing warmth of his sister’s embrace.

* * *

Buck steps into the firehouse and feels the panic start to rise up again, and he has to resist the impulse to just turn right back around, get in his Jeep, and drive so far away no one would ever be able to find him. He’s _not_ going to run away again. He owes it to Eddie to at least tell him how he feels, even if it doesn’t come to anything. He looks at Maddie walking next to him, and she shoots him a reassuring smile.

(He had tried to tell Maddie that she didn’t need to come with him to work, but she insisted, arguing that she wanted to be there to support her brother, and to see her boyfriend who is also the father of her child. After a rather pointed look, she had admitted that she also wanted to be there to collect her winnings, because she had actually won Hen’s bet, which she was never going to let Chimney live down.)

Chimney, who’s just exiting the ladder truck, presumably from restocking supplies, spots them first and his face instantly brightens. “You’re late, Buckaroo,” he remarks, barely sparing Buck a glance before greeting Maddie with a chaste kiss. They break apart, staring into each other’s eyes with matching soft smiles on their faces, and Buck clears his throat to remind him that he’s still there. Chimney startles and takes a half step backwards from Maddie, looking at Buck expectantly.

“Uh, Chim, have you seen Eddie? I kinda need to talk to him about something,” he says quickly, praying that his tone doesn’t betray anything.

Chimney raises his eyebrows, and Buck silently curses his complete inability to hide his emotions. No wonder everyone he’d ever met knew he was in love with his best friend. “Uh, he’s in the kitchen. Just got here about ten minutes ago.” Buck quickly thanked him and dashed off before he could ask any questions, shouting a goodbye to Maddie over his shoulder.

As he reaches the top of the stairs, he’s greeted with the sight of Eddie sitting at the table, slumped over a plate of what looked vaguely like eggs, but is actually probably some crazy exotic dish Bobby had seen on a cooking show and had insisted on trying. Just looking at Eddie makes him feel suddenly breathless and frozen to the spot. Oh god, why had he let Maddie talk him into this?

“Hey, Buck,” Bobby calls from the sink where he’s washing dishes. Eddie’s head snaps up at the sound of Buck’s name, and he breathes a sigh of relief when he sees Buck standing at the top of the stairs. “You missed breakfast. Is everything okay?”

Buck forces a smile, managing to unfreeze himself from his spot and move awkwardly into the kitchen. “Yeah, I’m sorry, Bobby, I just had to help Maddie with something.” He cringes internally at how unconvincing his words sound even to his own ears, and he can’t bring himself to look Eddie in the eyes.

Bobby just nods in acknowledgement and goes back to scrubbing the plates. Buck finally chances a glance over at Eddie and finds him already looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face, though he goes back to staring at his plate when he meets Buck’s eyes.

Buck takes a deep breath, steeling himself, before going over to where Eddie is sitting, his heart pounding so loud he’s sure everyone in the station can hear it. “Um, Eddie,” he starts out, thankful his voice isn’t shaking, although he feels his heart skip a beat when Eddie looks up at him with a closed-off expression. “Can I—can I talk to you about something?”

“Sure, man, what is it?” Eddie leans back in his chair, crossing his arms casually, which only serves to make Buck more flustered, as it puts Eddie’s muscular biceps and forearms on display, the tight short-sleeved LAFD t-shirt leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination. He can feel his cheeks burning and he’s certain his face is bright red. He’s suddenly painfully aware of everyone’s eyes on him: Bobby has stopped washing dishes in favor of watching their exchange, Hen has paused her game to turn around on the couch and look at them with a knowing expression on her face, and even Maddie and Chimney have halted their conversation to stare up at them as best they can.

He realizes he’s been standing here like an idiot for god knows how long when Eddie raises his eyebrows expectantly and Hen poorly stifles a laugh. “Um—not here,” he blurts out, desperate to get away from prying eyes and certain he won’t be able to get the words out if all of his friends are staring at him. He turns on his heels, gesturing for Eddie to follow him, and makes his way to the (thankfully empty) bunk rooms, the sound of footsteps behind him assuring him that Eddie is there.

He hears the door to the room close and spins around to see Eddie leaning against it, unfairly beautiful in the harsh fluorescent lighting, his expression unchanged. “So,” Eddie begins, breaking the silence. “You want to tell me why you ran out this morning? And don’t give me any bullshit about your sister, cause you’re a terrible liar.”

“Well, I kind of—realized something,” he says haltingly, unsure of how to put his jumbled thoughts into words. It’s like everything was clear when he was talking to Maddie, but as soon as he lays eyes on Eddie his brain just stops working. It’s probably the t-shirt. Curse his stupid hot best friend and his stupid hot arms. “And it sort of freaked me out, and I didn’t know what to do so I just—left.”

Eddie shakes his head slightly, a confused expression on his face. “I don’t understand, did I do something? Cause I—”

“It was the coffee!” Buck blurts out way too loudly, cutting Eddie off. Eddie only looks more confused at his words.

“The...coffee?” Buck groans in frustration, irritated at his complete inability to string two coherent words together when actually trying to talk about his feelings.

“You threw a pillow at my face and then you gave me coffee, and I just—I freaked out.” God, he sounds so stupid.

“Yeah, I’m not following, Buck.” Eddie looks puzzled, as if he’s wondering how coffee triggered a full scale panic and run situation. Which is fair, because for most people, the correct response to someone doing something nice for you is not to hyperventilate and flee their home.

Buck takes a deep breath, desperately searching for the proper words. “Okay, so—god, this is so fucking stupid, I’m sorry.”

Eddie’s expression instantly morphs into concern and he steps forward, placing a comforting hand on Buck’s shoulder. Well, it was probably supposed to be comforting, but is basically the exact opposite of that, because it sends sparks all down Buck’s spine and makes it feel like the room just got ten degrees warmer. “Buck. It’s okay,” he says in a reassuring tone. “You can talk to me, no matter what.”

Buck nods gratefully at him, stepping back slightly so that Eddie’s hand falls from his shoulder, because he definitely won’t be able to get through this with the warmth of Eddie’s skin radiating through his shirt.

“You let me sleep on your couch, and I know you do that all the time but you just—you woke me up like I _lived_ there, and I’ve never _felt_ like that _anywhere_ , and you just—you made me coffee with that stupid coffee maker I bought you to freak you out, because you actually read the directions and learned how to make cappuccinos because you know they’re my favorite—” He has to pause to take a breath, but now that the words have started coming he can’t seem to stop them. “And you didn’t even think about it, you just did it, because you _know_ me, Eddie, better than anyone in the world, and you make me feel like—like I actually _belong_ somewhere, and I felt safe and happy for the first time in so long, and I just—I didn’t know what to do so I ran.”

Eddie’s expression has softened somewhat, but Buck still can’t tell what he’s thinking. “What are you saying, Buck?” Eddie asks quietly, and he doesn’t sound angry, or pitying, or anything else Buck had feared. He just sounds...well, Buck isn’t really sure how he sounds, because he’s never heard him talk like this before. But it doesn’t sound bad, he knows that much.

He takes another deep breath, bracing himself to say the next words, knowing it’ll change them forever, for better or for worse. “I love you, Eddie. I’m in love with you.” He lets out a breathless little laugh, feeling like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, a weight he’s been carrying for god knows how long. “And I just—I needed you to know that, and it’s okay if you don’t feel the same way, but I just—you and Chris mean _everything_ to me, and I can’t stand the thought of losing you, _either_ of you—”

He’s cut off by the soft press of lips against his own, causing his words to die in his throat. He’s so stunned that by the time he’s registered that it’s _Eddie’s_ lips, Eddie’s already pulling away, leaving him slightly dazed and a bit unsteady on his feet.

Buck finally looks into Eddie’s eyes, the place he’s been avoiding looking at this entire conversation, terrified of what he might find there, only to find them bright and happy and filled with so much _love_ Buck feels like he can’t breathe.

“So,” he begins, keeping his voice low, feeling like the moment is too precious and would be spoiled by anything more. “I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that wasn't you telling me you don’t feel the same way?”

Eddie just laughs, his eyes crinkling at the corners and his face becoming impossibly more beautiful for how purely happy he looks. “God, Buck, you have no idea,” he whispers into the space between them, barely an inch separating their lips. “I’m so in love with you I don’t even know what to do with myself,” he admits, and Buck is so happy he could fly.

“Well, I could think of a few things,” he whispers playfully, leaning forward slightly, blood beating faster just at the thought of having Eddie’s lips on his again.

“Oh, can you, now?” Eddie whispers back, laughing and closing the distance between them with a kiss that’s softer and sweeter than anything he would have ever dreamed of, and he feels himself melt a little bit. He refuses to be outshone though, so he makes sure to give as good as he’s getting, parting his lips just slightly to deepen the kiss, which Eddie happily obliges.

When they break apart, they’re both slightly breathless, with matching deliriously happy smiles and kiss-swollen lips. Buck is certain that everyone will know exactly what they were doing, but he finds he doesn’t really care all that much. He does feel the need to warn Eddie, however, suspecting he’s just as clueless to the nosy nature of their coworkers as Buck was before Maddie rudely opened his eyes.

“Um, just so you know—everyone knows about us,” he says sheepishly. Eddie looks slightly incredulous.

“Everyone?” Buck nods apologetically.

“Apparently we’re very obvious. Hen had a pool going.” Eddie laughs, shaking his head slightly.

“Of course she did,” he says, smiling up at Buck and making it clear that he didn’t care if every single person on the planet knew about them. “Well, let’s get it over with.” Eddie holds out his hand expectantly, and Buck gladly takes it, interlacing their fingers and allowing Eddie to lead him out the door, hand in hand, ready to face whatever might come their way.

**Author's Note:**

> Listen if this doesn't happen in the show I'm gonna be mad this is the most in character thing I've ever written
> 
> Kudos/comments give me so much joy you have no idea


End file.
